Braised Artichoke Guacamole

Ingredients:

4 Whole artichokes (uhhh, you may want to change this up. I'll explain why further down)
1 Cup chicken broth. Or veggie broth, if you want to keep it vegetarian. Maybe a little more than one cup. Figure it out, I'm sick of holding your hand
1 Red onion
1 Jalapeno
1 Bunch of cilantro
4 Garlic cloves
4 to 5 Limes
Olive oil

That's right, there are zero avocados in this recipe. I have never eaten an avocado in my life. Why, you ask? Because many people are allergic to avocados, and since I'm allergic to tree nuts, and also because I'm great, I've sworn off of any and all allergens, to show solidarity with my fellow allergy sufferers.

That's a lie, it's actually because the Mayan word for avocado means testicle. Seriously. And I'm not putting something that resembles the hulks balls into my mouth. Also, avocados weird me out. I don't know why, but they do.

Anyway, I've been trying to start these posts with a picture of the finished dish. I do that because I know my readers, like me, have the attention spans of a goddamn gnat. It's a strange new world, and we demand constantly changing, rapid fire stimuli. I'm adapting. Well, you may have noticed I didn't do that this time, and I have a very good reason why.

I, ahh, fucked this one up. Kinda. Don't get me wrong, the guac came out great, my mistake isn't regarding that. It is, however, hilarious. I'll show y'all at the end. If you can't laugh at yourself, right?

Speaking of laughing at myself, my girlfriend is out at her mothers bachelorette party right now, and just asked me to text her the selfie I took after she FORCED me to let her do my makeup. Alright, she just convinced me. Fuck, fine, I asked her to do it, alright? What? You've never been curious about how you might look in makeup? I make one hot to trot little bitch, by the way. You should see it.

Well, I said you should see it. Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. Also, can you believe she messed up my wings? The "wings", for my male readers, are the little eyeliner offshoots at the corners of my eyes. I've always thought they look pretty Egyptian. Also, now that you creepy fucks know what I look like, please don't try to find me in order to murder me and make a lampshade out of my skin.

Anyway, the point of this story is that right now, a bunch of 50 something ladies are drunk and laughing about how I look in drag, while sipping mojitos through dick shaped straws, and slapping the thonged asses of whatever passes for male strippers in New England. Amazing where life takes you, huh?

Shit, okay, let's get to cooking.

So first, get your 'chokes, and slice the end of the stems off, and peel the outside of the stems off. Then, split them in half, like the above picture. Then pull the outer, tough leaves off of the 'chokes. Then, do you see that bristly looking thing towards the center of the artichoke? That's called the choke. Take that title literally, people. If you attempt to eat that, you're gonna have a bad time. The choking kind of bad time. Artichokes are a member of the thistle family, you see. Go out and try to eat a thistle, if you don't believe me. However, you may not come back to read the rest of this if you try that. So, on second thought, please don't do that. The last thing I need is for my readership to go from four to three. That's 25 percent, right there.

So get your dumb asses a spoon, and scoop that shit out. They should look like the picture above. As you finish each 'choke, throw them into a bowl filled with water and the juice of one lime. This stops the 'chokies from browning. It's important to keep them nice and green and pretty. Just like me in drag. You like that? I like putting that thought into peoples heads. Did you know my ass looks great in heels? Netflix should know, since I've been walking the block for them since I started this thing.

So yeah, they should look like that up there. Once all the 'chokies are done, and bathing in delicious lime water, get out your baking plate thing, and slice up your limes into little lime circles. Then, take the circles and cover the bottom of the bakey pan thing. Like this!

Just kidding, not like that. Ideally, they should cover the bottom of the pan. I'm just an idiot who didn't buy enough limes. Be sure to save at least one lime though, you'll need it later. Then, cut the garlic cloves in half, and smash them lightly, as in they are still mostly held together. Shove your halved and crushed garlic cloves into the space where the choke part of the artichoke was, and brush with oil and season with salt and pepper. Then, lay the artichokes, cut side down, into your lime layered bakey thing. Brush the tops with more oil, and season the tops the same way. Then take your broth, and pour it into the bakey thingy.

That pic up there doesn't have the broth in it yet, but you get the idea. So, cover your bakey fucker with foil, and throw into a preheated, 400 degree oven for an hour or so.

After an hour, your normally shitty smelling apartment will smell fuckin' great, so you're welcome there. Take the 'chokes out, and let them cool a bit.

Then, prepare yourself for the most tedious goddamn process I've been through in my culinary career. Get a spoon, and scrape every usable bit of the artichoke off. The bottoms of the leaves, the hearts, the stems. It took me and my girlfriend a fuckin' hour to  finish. But hey, you'll get this beautiful, delicious, end result.

So worth it, right? Well, remember that part about my hilarious fuck up? Yeah, you ready to find out what that fuck up was?

That bowl, up there, was ALL OF THE FUCKING GUAC! That's right, four artichokes made just that. Seriously, it's like six ounces. Pathetic. And I made this for a party, people. A party held by my girlfriends family, for her birthday, and I showed up with this. I bet they think I'm just the fucking best now.

I got her cantankerous step-grandmother to eat it though, so that's a win. She even said she liked it, after prefacing the compliment with "I can't stand artichokes". Well, you're stuffing your wrinkled old face with it, bitch, so shut your dick warmer.

God I'm awful. Alright, that's it for me. If you make this, I recommend buying jarred or canned artichoke hearts, and just marinating them in lime or something. I'll try making this again that way, and I'll let y'all know how it goes.